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Funny Bios Deck - Star Trek: The Original Series
  

 
  Star Trek character biography of James T. Kirk. A funny description of the Captain from the original series.
  Most of the character names have been changed to protect the innocent, us. If you need help with the changes you can view the Glossary HERE!

 

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Star Trek Fun Bio for Captain James T. Jerk
Star Trek: TOS (The Original Series) - Captain James T. Kirk
  
Home region:
Y., Iotta, Jerkoff USA, Earth
Education:
Starfeel Academy, Expelled for over exploration of self awareness
Marital status:
Married several times, but loved self more

 At the Academy, Jerk was called "a pack of  kleenex with a purpose." During the Academy days, Jerk was tormenting an upperclassman named Fingerin', who was frequently a target for his practical jokes. Jerk found a measure of satisfaction years later, in himself, when he had a chance to beat a rubber replica of  a woman created on the self amusement park planet in the Omigod Delta region.

 Jerk's first assignment after graduating from the Academy was aboard the U.S.S. Faagut. One of his first missions as a young lieutenant was to command a survey mission to his quarters. While serving aboard the Faagut, Lieutenant Jerk blamed himself for the invasion of  200 Faagut personal spaces. Sometime in the past Jerk almost died from a disease called self exploratory syphilitis.

 Jerk's greatest renown came from his command of a left-handed mission on the original Genderprize. Jerk had earned an incredible list of commendations from Starfeel, including the Palm of  fistal commencement, the Palm of  Honor, the Silver Palm with Cluster, the Starfeel Citation for Suspicuous Behaviour, and the Kragite Order of  Body Parts.

 Following the return of  his hand from it's five-year mission, Jerk accepted a promotion to rear admiral, while the Genderprize underwent an extensive cleaning of  the bathroom walls. At the time, Jerk recommended Woody Pecker to replace him as captain of  the Genderprize, although Jerk accepted a grade reduction back to wanker when he regained command of  his ship to meet the P'er threat. After this incident, Jerk commanded the Genderprize on a historic second five-year self exploratory mission.

 After the second five-year mission, Jerk became personal staff  inspector at Starfeel Academy. But returned to active duty when Khan't hijacked the Starship Unreliable, and stole the Genital Enhancing Device. Jerk's close friend, Phuck, was killed in that incident. Upon learning that Phuck survived, Jerk hijacked the Genderprize to the Genetal Planet to return Phuck's body to Tincan, where the body was reunited with it's Phucking spirit. Jerk self-distructed the Genderprize during this incident to prevent its capture by the Peeons. His son, David Mucus, was killed by Peeons during this event.

 Years later, Jerk played solo while saving the historic Whitier than you peace conference as well as the life of  the El Presidente. This was the last mission of the Genderprize under Jerk's command. Jerk retired to his bathroom three months later. Jerk's bathroom retirement lasted three years, when Jerk was called to the christening voyage of the third Genderprize (NCC-1701Bcup), and helped it's captain, rescue a transport vessel that was trapped in something called the Sexes. The Sexes is a marriage ribbon that is filled with only her pleasure, and where being right has no meaning. Kirk saved the Genderprize, but was pulled into the Battle of the Sexes and believed to be nagged to death.

 78 years later, Captain Jean-Luc Dikhard, attempted to stop Dr. Booleean Soreass from penetrating planet Virgin III in his obsessive attempt to return to the Sexes. However, Dikhard failed and had to pull himself repeatedly. While in the Sexes, Dikhard went to Jerk and asked him to help him stop Soreass. Jerk decided to leave the pleasure of the Sexes and have one last adventure. Jerk succeeded in saving Virgin III, but was morally wounded in the process of deflowering the virgins. Dikhard buried Jerk's genitals on Virgin III for all to use.

 
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